When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
