I got chris browned last night
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
