Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
