I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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