I skipped work to stalk him.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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