my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
