I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
