Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
