I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
