using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
