Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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