seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
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margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?