I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
