If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence