evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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