shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
