I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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