I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
