So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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