they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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