She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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