I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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