Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Sober January is a disaster.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
