When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
