Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
