I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
