you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
