I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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