Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
