I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize