I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
