I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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