I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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