in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
