I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
