There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My vagina is officially offended.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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