Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
