I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
