when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
