a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
