mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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