im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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