im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
