I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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