I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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