You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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