Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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