they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
