Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
