Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
