i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
