we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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