Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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