i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
