i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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