thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
