hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
