She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
