So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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