At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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