I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
