Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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