hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
