textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we're making bets on your personal life
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
