will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
