Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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