Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
